I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
