i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
