david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Let's paint friendship bongs
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
