Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
