Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
