I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
