i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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