quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
