there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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