I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
