He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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