my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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