I'm so fucking centered right now
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's never too late to be topless.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
