Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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