I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
