I have demons in me.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
