i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
