The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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