I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
