id be glad to
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
