eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
