I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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