I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
