I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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