we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
