I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i now understand why vodka
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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