Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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