I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
