remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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