My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
