last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
