My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
