In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
