Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
