I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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