At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
