Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
