I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
