I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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