im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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