I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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