I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
