He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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