i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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