I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
