Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
