I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
