She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
