This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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