I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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